Part I — The Alienating Parent
Baker's 17 Strategies
Dr Amy Baker's research, based on interviews with adults who were alienated from a parent as children, identified 17 specific strategies that alienating parents use. These have been validated across multiple studies and are now widely cited in family court proceedings.
Recognising these strategies in your own situation is not just validating — it is evidence. Each tactic, taken alone, can be explained away. It is the pattern — relentless, cumulative, deliberate or not — that constitutes the abuse. When you can name specific strategies from a validated research framework, professionals take notice.
Poisoning the child's mind
These strategies target the child's internal image of you — slowly replacing positive associations with fear, contempt, and distrust.
Badmouthing
Persistent negative comments about you, your family, your character, your lifestyle, and your parenting. This can range from subtle sighs and raised eyebrows to direct statements: "Your father never cared about us" or "Your mother is not a safe person."
Limiting contact
Finding reasons to cancel, shorten, or supervise your time together. The child is perpetually "too busy," "not feeling well," or has activities that conveniently clash with your scheduled time. Over time, the pattern becomes normalised — and the child stops expecting to see you.
Interfering with communication
Blocking phone calls, not passing on messages, monitoring correspondence, or "forgetting" to charge the child's phone before your scheduled call. The message to the child: communicating with you is difficult, unimportant, or unwelcome.
Curtailing symbols of the relationship
Removing photographs from the child's room. Discouraging gifts you have given. Erasing evidence of your presence in the child's life. The aim is environmental — making the child's physical world reflect a reality in which you barely exist.
Withdrawing love
Making the child feel that loving you means losing the alienating parent's love. This is the deepest form of emotional coercion — a loyalty test that no child can pass without choosing a side. The message: "If you love them, you are betraying me."
Rewriting the narrative
These strategies target the child's understanding of history and reality — replacing what actually happened with a version that serves the alienating parent's narrative.
Distorting history
"Your father never wanted you." "Your mother was never really there." Rewriting the past to erase evidence of your love and involvement. Children who were too young to form clear memories are particularly vulnerable — they have no counter-evidence of their own.
Creating the impression of danger
Implying or stating that you are unsafe, even without evidence. "Be careful around Dad." "Let me know if Mum does anything that makes you uncomfortable." The child absorbs the anxiety without understanding its source — and begins to associate you with threat.
Forcing the child to choose
Loyalty tests, explicit or implied: "If you love me, you won't go." Scheduling activities during your contact time. Making the child feel guilty for enjoying time with you. The child learns that neutrality is not an option.
Confiding inappropriately
Sharing adult information — finances, legal details, relationship grievances, sexual history — to make the child an ally. The child becomes a confidant, a therapist, and a soldier in a war they should never have known about. This is parentification — a recognised form of emotional abuse.
Encouraging the child to spy
Using the child as a source of information about your household. "What did Dad's new girlfriend cook for dinner?" "Does Mum leave you alone when she goes out?" The child becomes a surveillance tool — and the act of reporting back reinforces their allegiance to the alienating parent.
Eroding the parent-child bond
These strategies target the structural foundation of your relationship with your child — your authority, your role, and your place in their life.
Referring to you by first name
Stripping you of your title as a parent. "Malcolm" instead of "Dad." "Sarah" instead of "Mum." This is not casual — it is a deliberate linguistic demotion that signals to the child that you are no longer in the parent category.
Encouraging defiance
Supporting the child's refusal to visit, speak, or engage with you. "You don't have to go if you don't want to." "I'll tell the judge you don't want to see him." The alienating parent positions themselves as the child's protector from you — their own parent.
Undermining your authority
Contradicting your rules, ridiculing your decisions, and communicating to the child that your parenting is inferior. "You don't have to follow those rules at Dad's house." The child learns that your authority is optional — and that the alienating parent's household is the "real" home.
Replacing you
Introducing a new partner as "Dad" or "Mum." Encouraging the child to transfer attachment. This is one of the most devastating strategies — not just because of the emotional impact on you, but because it teaches the child that parents are interchangeable and that love is transactional.
Aligning professionals
Enlisting therapists, teachers, or doctors as allies in the narrative against you. Presenting a convincing victim narrative to professionals who then unconsciously reinforce the alienation. The child sees "neutral" authority figures confirming what the alienating parent has been saying.
Weaponising institutions
Filing complaints, requesting supervised access, involving social services without genuine cause. Each institutional action creates a paper trail that looks like evidence — even when the underlying allegations are unfounded. The process becomes the punishment.
Creating dependency
Making the child financially, emotionally, or logistically dependent solely on the alienating parent. Controlling access to money, transport, social activities, and even medical care. The child learns that everything flows through one parent — and that the other parent has nothing to offer.
Using this knowledge
When you can identify specific strategies from Baker's validated framework — rather than simply saying "my ex is turning my child against me" — you give professionals something concrete to evaluate. Keep a factual record of incidents mapped to these strategies. Note dates, specifics, and witnesses where possible.
Remember: the power of this research is in the pattern. Any single incident can be explained away. But when a judge or therapist sees a consistent pattern of multiple strategies operating simultaneously, the picture becomes unmistakable.
"Each tactic, taken alone, could be explained away. It is the pattern — relentless, cumulative, deliberate or not — that constitutes the abuse."
Where to go from here
Baker's strategies describe what the alienator does. The next page explores how they do it — the psychological manipulation techniques that make the programme so effective.